Beyond Words
by purplepagoda
Summary: The truth about Charlie's mother is slowly creeping to the surface. Will another round of truth and consequences set Jackie over the edge? Will this bring Charlie and Jackie back to rock bottom, and set their worlds on fire?
1. Secrets

"I have to get to work," he tells her.

"I'm off today, I'll stay with him."

"We need to talk," Cruz warns her.

"Later," she responds, looking at the teenager lying on the couch, asleep.

"Are you sure that the two of you will be ok?"

"I'm not going to let anything happen to him," she promises.

"Ok," he nods, and walks out the door.

Hours later, he finally wakes up. He finds her, lying on the floor, wrapped in a down comforter, between the couch, and the coffee table.

"You didn't have to stay, you know. I would have been fine on my own."

"I think that recent events prove otherwise."

"He left?"

"Yeah," she nods.

"I'm not surprised."

"Charlie, why are you so angry with your father?""He's a complete douchebag, can you blame me?"

"There is more to it, than that."

"He's never around, when I need him. Everything else is more important than I am."

"Charlie, that's not true."

"Yes, it is," he argues.

"What makes you think that?"

"He's never around."

"Charlie, he's busy."

"You know, he didn't even want a kid."

"Yet, here you are."

"Because once he agreed, there was nothing he could do, to stop it."

"Charlie, you have to learn to look past his flaws."

"I can't. He wasn't even there when I was born."

"I'm sorry."

"Hell, he wasn't even there when I was conceived."

"Of course he was. What are you talking about? He's your father. Isn't he?"

"Biologically, I guess."

"What do you mean, that he wasn't there, for your conception?"

"My mother, couldn't get pregnant. She tried, and never succeeded, which was fine by him, because he didn't really want a kid, anyway. She decided to hire a surrogate."

"A gestational carrier," Jackie corrects.

"No," he shakes his head, "A surrogate. I know the difference."

"So your mother..."

"She's not my biological mother."

"And Cruz?"

"He is my biological father, but he wasn't there when I was conceived. He wasn't there for any of the appointments. He wasn't there when I was born. He was at a conference in Denver. He didn't meet me, until I was three days old. What kind of a father, does that?"

"I don't know."

"And, to top it all off, he doesn't understand why I'm angry with him, for trying to get custody of me."

"Why didn't your mother get custody?"

"She's dead."

"I beg your pardon?"

"She's dead. He fought my grandparents for custody. I would have rather lived with them."

"You never told me that."

"Now do you see why I'm so messed up?"

"I can understand how you might be warped."

"My entire life is fucked up."

"So, have you ever tried to find out who your biological mother is?"

"Yeah, but I've never been able to find anything out about her."

"Would you want to meet her?"

He shrugs, "I don't know." Hours later Cruz returns home. Jackie leaves, and heads for home. She gets sidetracked, along the way. She finds herself sitting at a bar, ordering a drink. She looks at her watch.

She pulls her phone out of her pocket, and dials. It rings twice, before the party on the other end answers.

"It is one o'clock in the morning, this had better be good," she warns.

"I'm at a bar."

"I'm on my way. Text me the details," she answers.

"Ok," she hangs up.

Eleanor, and her car arrive fifteen minutes later. Jackie is standing outside, on the sidewalk, waiting, when she pulls up. Jackie opens the door, and climbs in. Eleanor wears pajamas. Jackie slams the door behind her.

"Would you like to tell me why you're at a bar?"

"I was being self-destructive."

"Did you drink?"

"No."

"Did you..."

"I didn't do anything. I ordered a drink, and then I called you," she answers.

"What has you so upset?"

"Charlie."

"Charlie? What about him?"

"Charlie is the kid from rehab."

"Right, and?"

"I had to bail him out of jail."

"It was a rough day?"

"To say the least. I met his father."

"And?"

"He's a total douche."

"I kind of gathered that."

"He's our boss."

"Our boss? What are you talking about, Jacks?"

"Charlie's father, is Mike Cruz."

"Oh, shit."

"And, I'm the friend from rehab."

"I can see why you might need a drink."

"There's more."

"What more could there be?"


	2. Guilt

"Are you going to tell her? Or are you going to let her find out on her own?"

"Tell her what?"

"That you had an affair with her husband, and now you're having his baby?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Kevin is the father, isn't he?"

"My baby doesn't have a father."

"You're not going to tell him, because you don't want to share."

"Coop, you don't know what you're talking about."

"Jackie knows you, she'll figure it out. You should just tell her."

He expects her to deny, or dispute this. Instead, she starts to cry. She pulls the napkin out of her lap, and pats her eyes, as the tears come.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry. I know, you're pregnant, and emotional, and I shouldn't interrogate you. I'm sorry."

She shakes her head, and puts the napkin on the table. She looks at him, with tears in her eyes, and a wrinkled forehead, as she starts into her ugly cry.

"I was out of line, I'm sorry."

She takes a deep breath, and gets a sip of water. She shakes her head.

"It's not fair," she tells him.

"What do you mean?"

"She had an affair, for years, with no consequence."

"Yeah, but now shit is hitting the fan."

"And, it's all my fault."

"No," he shakes his head, "It's not. You had nothing to do with it."

"I had everything to do with it. I am the one who enabled her addiction, I am the one who helped her lead a double life, I kept the fact that she was screwing Eddie to myself."

"She is responsible for her own shit," he reminds her.

"Yes, but I was the straw that broke the camels back."

"What are you talking about?"

"You were right, I fucked Jackie's husband."

"What? I was just taking a stab in the dark."

"Well, you hit the nail on the head."

"You slept with Kevin?"

"Yes."

"Things happen, people get caught up in the moment, it's understandable."

"No, it's not. I am not that kind of person. I am not a home wrecker. I tore a family apart."

"That situation is not your fault, it would have happened, either way."

"Maybe, but it doesn't really matter."

"You must be pretty unlucky. You sleep with someone once, and get knocked up? And at your age, I've never known anyone to be that fertile."

"It wasn't just once," she admits.

"Twice?"

"More times than I can count."

"How long? A couple of weeks, a month?"

"Six, no, that's not right. Eight," she shakes her head, doing the math in her head, "Close to a year," she realizes.

He gives her a deer in the headlights look.

"You're just humoring me, right? You're telling me a story, and making me feel better?"

"No," she replies dryly, "Why would I do that."

"You are being serious."

She simply nods.

"So it's his?"

"Yes," she confirms.

"Are you going to tell him?"

"No, never."

"Are you going to tell Jackie?"

"Nope."

"You should. You should tell them both."

"Why? So I can have my child ripped away from me, too?"

"Secrets eat people, alive."

"Coop, I can't tell anyone. You can't tell anyone, ever, ok? Do you understand? You have to promise me that you won't tell a soul."

"I won't," he swears.

"Good, now can we talk about something else?"

"Why don't you want to tell her?"

"Have you ever been on Jackie's bad side?"

"It's not so bad."

"I am her best friend, her only friend, really. I am the reason that her marriage fell apart. I am the reason that she is fighting for her kids. I am responsible for everything. I am supposed to be her best friend, and I betrayed her trust. I slept with her husband, soon-to-be-ex-husband. And, I am now carrying his child. I do not have a death wish, so I'm not going to tell her.

"What about him?"

"Who? Kevin? We ended things, months ago."

"He did, or you did?"

"Does it matter?"

"I wasn't talking about Kevin, anyway."

"Who were you referring to?"

"The baby. Are you going to tell your son the truth?"

"Maybe one day, when he's about thirty, and I have spent my last penny on his therapy, maybe then, I will tell him."

"It's not good to start a life, with a lie."

"It's all I've got."

"Are you afraid that it's not good enough?"

"Only, every day."

_She looks at the clock. She rolls over, and looks at the face of the man, in her bed. He smiles at her._

_"What?" he questions._

_"You should go."_

_"I've got time."_

_"I do not."_

_"Can't I just stay, a little while, longer?"_

_"No. You should go."_

_"Why are you trying to rush me out of here?"_

_"I don't think that we should do this, anymore. This was a horrible idea. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep lying to Jackie. She's my best friend. I can't believe that I did this to her. It's time for you to go home. Go home, to your wife, to your girls. Go home to your family. I'll be fine."_

_"What about us?"_

_"Hell, Kevin, there is never going to be an us. This is... not going to turn into anything. It's just sex."_

_"I don't believe that, not even for a second."_

_"Go," she begs._


	3. Afflicted

_"I'm not," she answers, swallowing hard._

_"You're joking, right?"_

_"No," Jackie answers, flatly._

_Eleanor looks at her, without saying anything more. Jackie avoids eye contact._

_"I know what the difference is. I agreed to have a child, for a couple who could not conceive on their own."_

_"Did you go through with it?"_

_"There is a child, in the world, that is biologically mine, who was raised as someone else's."_

_"Oh," Eleanor's heart sinks._

_"And, I regret it, every single day."_

_"When was this?"_

_"A long time ago, before I ever met you."_

_"I would have talked you out of it."_

_"I know."_

_"Why are you telling me, this? Now?"_

_"I told you, karma bus."_

_"What about it?"_

_"Most of the time, I can pretend as if it never happened. Sometimes, I can't, though. Sometimes, I see a kid, and I wonder, could he be mine? They say that the process is supposed to be empowering, that is what I thought. But, when you have to sign a legal document, stating that you are abandoning your child, it isn't very empowering. It's a terrible feeling."_

_"I can imagine."_

_"I have been carrying this around with me, for so long."_

_"And no one knows?"_

_"Not really."_

_"So, what prompted this."_

_"I told you."_

_"Not your decision. You, deciding to tell me. What prompted that?"_

_"I... I met him."_

_"You mean, at birth?"_

_"No," she shakes her head, "I met him, recently."_

_"Oh."_

_"He didn't know, and neither did I."_

_"But, in retrospect, you figured it out?"_

_"He still doesn't know."_

_"What's he like?"_

_"Me," she answers._

_Eleanor furrows her brow, "How do you mean?"_

_"He doesn't look like me..."_

_"He acts like you?"_

_"For the most part," she admits._

_"Are you going to tell him?"_

_"I don't know," she admits._

_"Who is he? How did you meet him?"_

_"In rehab," she mutters under her breath, hoping that Eleanor won't hear her._

_"Rehab? How old is he?"_

_"He just turned eighteen," she answers._

_Eleanor tries to sort the pieces out, and fit them together, in her mind._

_Jackie answers, before she has the chance to figure it out, "I... am Charlie's biological mother."_

_"Oh."_

_"Explains a lot, doesn't it?"_

_"You have a child, with Mike Cruz?"_

_"In all fairness, he wasn't there. I never met him, not even once."_

_"You didn't think that was strange?"_

_"I met his wife, the day that Charlie was born. He missed it, he couldn't get a flight, home."_

_"Shit, Jackie! I can see why you wanted a drink."_

_"Heads are going to roll. Cruz knows that I'm Charlie's friend from rehab. It's going to be bad."_

_"Does he know?"_

_"No. How could he?"_

_"He could..."_

_"The records are all sealed," Jackie responds._

_"You had no idea?"_

_"No," Jackie shakes her head, "Sure, Charlie reminded me of a younger version of myself, but I never thought that..."_

_"He is your son. You knew how old he was."_

_"I didn't know his birth date."_

_"And when you found out?"_

_"There are tons of people, born every day. I thought that it was just a coincidence."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"I stole his toothbrush," she answers, "We'll know soon enough."_

_"So now what?"_

_She shakes her head, "I don't know."_

_"What about his mother?"_

_"She's dead."_

_"I can see what you meant, by the karma bus."_

_"Gloria..." Jackie murmurs._

_"Gloria? What about her?"_

_"I never told Kevin that I was pregnant."_

_"He didn't notice?"_

_"We never spent more than fifteen minutes in a room together, the last six months of my pregnancy."_

_"Why did you say, Gloria?"_

_"She knew."_

_"She knew?"_

_"The people that I worked with then, have all left since then, except for Gloria. No one ever asked about it, but she did. Once."_

_"What did you tell her?"_

_"Half of the truth. I knew that she would ask about the baby."_

_"What did you tell her?"_

_"That it wasn't mine, that I was being a gestational carrier."_

_"She believed that?"_

_"She had no reason not to. I took two weeks off, and went back to work, without a baby."_


	4. Need To Know

She wakes up, and looks at the clock. She realizes that she's back in reality. That all of it has been a dream. No, she shakes her head, most of it, has been a dream. She didn't go to that bar that night. She didn't confide in Eleanor. She just let the secret eat at her, a while longer. But the secret, the biggest one, it was true, and she couldn't change it.

Her girls are with their dad for the night. She's been fired from her job. And she doesn't have much to lose. For a split second she thinks about returning to old vices. A Percocet, or a Vicodin, anything, to make the pain go away. But, it wouldn't make it away, just kill it, for a few moments. it would come back, it always did. And, when it did, it would be worse.

She climbs out of bed, even though it's the middle of the night. She heads down the stairs, in her pajamas. She grabs her car keys, and leaves the house. Zoey doesn't even stir, when she slips out the front door.

She finds herself in a familiar place. She sneaks in, completely unnoticed. It is three o'clock in the morning, no one is paying attention. She sneaks into a room, and closes the door behind her. She flips on the light. She is relieved to find that the room is only occupied by one individual.

"What the..." he begins, his eyes fly open. He sees Jackie, and he stops.

"How are you doing?"

"Shitty. I'm in rehab, again."

"Charlie, you have got to stop doing this."

"Jackie, what are you doing here?"

"I needed to talk to you."

"About what?"

"Your shitty childhood."

"What about it?"

"I'm sorry."

"That's nice, but it's not your fault."

"Charlie, I am sorry for everything. I am especially sorry, for what I have to tell you."

"What's that?"

"You know what you told me about your mother?"

"You know it's three o'clock in the morning. We can talk about this some other time."

"No, we can't. We need to talk about it now," she tells him, sitting at the end of his bed.

"I would really like to be asleep right now."

"Charlie, why do you like rehab?"

"I don't."

"Yes you do," Jackie argues.

"I feel safe here. They want me."

"Charlie I... you have no idea how much I hate this."

"Hate what?"

"About your mom."

"Why are you here at three o'clock in the morning, to talk to me, about my mom?"

"Because I care about you, and I hate this. I hate what you're doing to yourself. I hate that you had such a fucked up life. I hate that..."

"Jackie he fired you didn't he?"

"Yup."

"And, you're high?"

"No," she shakes her head, "I have lost just about everything. My kids, my marriage, maybe my house, my job. But I haven't lost my mind, and I am not giving up my sobriety."

"Why not? Why does it matter?"

"Because you matter."

"What? What kind of bullshit are you trying to feed me?"

"I have never lied to you."

"Ok."

"Charlie you matter. You matter to me. I am doing this, so I can get my life back. But, I am also doing this, because I want to prove to you, that no matter how big of a screw up you are, you can turn it around. You can do the right thing, even when everything is falling down around you."

"That might work for you, but it doesn't work for me. I don't have anyone. No one gives a damn about me."

"I do. Charlie, you have me."

"Jackie, why are you here?"

"I told you, there is something that I need to tell you."

"What?"

"I knew your mother."

"No you didn't," he argues.

"Yes," she nods, "I did."

"Why didn't you tell me, before?"

"Because I didn't know that I knew her."

"Why are you telling me now?"

"Because I have to."

"When did you meet her?"

"That doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does," he argues.

"All I know, is that she wanted you, more than anything in the world."

"I know, and now she's gone. She's the only person whose ever wanted me, and she's gone."

"That's not true," Jackie argues.

"Jackie, I don't want to talk about this."

"I do."

"Why?"

"Charlie there is something that you need to know."

"What?"

"I... I never met your father, I didn't know."

"What are you talking about? He was your boss."

"Eighteen years ago, I didn't know that it was him."

"What?"

"Charlie," she swallows hard, "Eighteen years ago, my husband was working his ass off, to open this stupid bar. And, I wanted to do everything in my power, for him to have that bar."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Just listen!" she insists.

"Ok."

"I was working as much as I could, and so was he. It just wasn't enough. But, I found a way to come up with the money."

"What do you mean?"


End file.
